


For You I Would Ruin Myself A Million Little Times

by Thats_Amore



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Arranged Marriage, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Cardverse, Established Relationship, Infidelity, M/M, Platonic USUK - Freeform, Song: illicit affairs (Taylor Swift)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28032207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thats_Amore/pseuds/Thats_Amore
Summary: Lorenzo wishes they could avoid this conversation, but it's impossible to ignore that Alfred is getting married tomorrow.
Relationships: America/South Italy (Hetalia)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	For You I Would Ruin Myself A Million Little Times

Lorenzo knew he wouldn’t be difficult to spot in the Spades castle garden. In a sea of purple and blue flowers, his red and pink Ace of Hearts uniform would stand out. But Lorenzo hadn’t expected anyone to come search for him since he had no events scheduled until the official celebratory dinner scheduled that evening. If anyone had been looking for him, it would have been his brother, or perhaps Kiku or Ludwig. Not the king of Spades himself.

When Lorenzo noticed Alfred walking towards him, he directed his gaze towards a random blue hydrangea bush. He clenched his jaw shut to contain a burst of emotion that would inevitably result in either a scream or a sob. He wasn’t sure what he would actually say if he spoke to Alfred, but he knew nothing good would come from initiating a conversation they’d been avoiding for the entirety of their relationship.

Alfred sighed and sat down on the bench next to Lorenzo, because he was a stupid stronzo who couldn’t read the atmosphere to save his life. But Lorenzo hadn’t been very good at staying away from Alfred either, and that was why they were in this mess right now. Because they were both too dumb and too human to stay away from the things they were forbidden to have.

“I thought you would have been busy today,” Lorenzo muttered, not even sparing Alfred a glance.

Alfred chuckled. “I was. All these stuffy old nobles made me rehearse the coronation ceremony over and over like I haven’t been preparing to be king for the past year and a half.” Lorenzo didn’t need to look in Alfred’s direction to know that he was rolling his eyes with that annoying smug smirk that never failed to send a shiver down Lorenzo’s spine. God, he could be such an asshole sometimes.

Lorenzo stared at the ground and kicked at a small pebble with the tip of his shoe. “I assume they made you rehearse the wedding ceremony too, right?” The question tasted like acid on his tongue, and his voice sounded petty and jealous.

Alfred let out a frustrated huff. “Lore, please, I don’t want to fight with you. I only managed to get away from my advisors for a few minutes because Artie wanted a break to take his afternoon tea. I won’t get a chance to talk to you again today or tomorrow. Probably not for several months, until the next diplomatic visit between our kingdoms.”

Alfred’s fingertips ghosted over the back of his hand, and Lorenzo’s poor attempt at composure shattered. He whirled around to face his secret lover with tears in his eyes.

“Not talking about it doesn’t make it any less real, asshole. You’re gonna marry Arthur tomorrow, just like every king of Spades has married their queen for the past thousand years. And I’m gonna have to fucking clap politely, like it won’t kill me to watch you promise yourself to someone else.”

Alfred looked wounded and apologetic at the same time. His teary blue eyes were shimmering behind his glasses, and that only made Lorenzo feel worse. He knew Alfred wasn’t marrying Arthur because he wanted to. Arthur had helped raise Alfred and his twin Matthew after their parents died in the devastating war between Spades and Clubs, and Alfred and Arthur saw each other more as family than anything else. But Alfred and Arthur had been chosen by the magical power of the Clock of Destiny. According to Spadian law, they were fated to rule together as spouses, and what they wanted didn’t matter at all.

Alfred cupped Lorenzo’s cheek, and Lorenzo leaned into the touch in spite of himself. Alfred’s palm was warm, broad, and calloused from the many days he’d spent training with his sword, and it felt so natural placed on Lorenzo’s cheek. Tomorrow, a gold ring would encircle his finger, and it would be even more wrong for Alfred to touch Lorenzo than it was right now.

“I’m sorry, baby. If I could spend the rest of my life with anyone in this world, you know I would choose you. Every single time.”

Lorenzo clenched the velvet fabric of Alfred’s overcoat in a white-knuckled grip. It was the only thing keeping him anchored to this shitty world he couldn’t change. “I hate you so fucking much sometimes.” His words might have seemed hostile, but they were spoken in a breathy, desperate tone that made it clear Lorenzo didn’t know how to hate Alfred even though that would’ve been the wiser option.

Alfred grinned playfully, dimples appearing on his rosy cheeks as he tilted his head towards Lorenzo. “Aw, well that’s too bad. Cause I’m hopelessly in love with you.”

Lorenzo felt too much to put his emotions into words, so he leaned up to kiss Alfred hard on the mouth. Possibly for the last time, but he tried not to think about that. For a moment, he concentrated only on the hammering of his own heartbeat, the sensation of Alfred’s tongue flicking over the roof of his mouth, and the muffled noise of discontent Alfred made when Lorenzo pulled his lips away to breathe.

By habit, Lorenzo glanced around worriedly, but he didn’t see or hear any spies hiding in the bushes or scurrying along the twisted paths. Whenever he was with Alfred, he was terrified of getting caught. Normally, he would’ve been too paranoid to kiss Alfred in an open area like the garden, but he’d gotten swept up in the moment. For a moment, he’d forgotten that they needed to be cautious.

When he finally concluded that they were safe, Lorenzo turned back to face Alfred. Alfred was looking down at him sympathetically, but his eyes were gleaming with the hazy, passion-drunk light that had appeared after every illicit kiss they shared. They had kissed dozens of times before, but Alfred always looked at him with the same disbelieving awe like it was the first time. And Lorenzo always blushed like a cherry tomato whenever Alfred looked at him like he was some kind of angel sent from heaven instead of a very flawed, very weak man.

Lorenzo closed his eyes and scooted closer to bury his overheated face in the crook of Alfred’s neck. Alfred wrapped an arm around his shoulders, and Lorenzo melted into the embrace as he normally would.

“I think about it sometimes,” Alfred murmured wistfully. “Abdicating the throne, running away to live with you somewhere guards wouldn’t be watching me day and night. A cottage maybe, with a little patch of land for you to grow tomatoes. We wouldn’t have money, but we’d have each other, and I wouldn’t care about the rest of it.”

Lorenzo nuzzled into Alfred’s neck. “Sounds pretty damn good. I wish we could have it.”

Alfred clutched him tighter. “The last time a Spadian royal abdicated their position, the court descended into chaos, and a civil war broke out. The economy crashed, and regular people starved to death. We only formed the peace treaty with Clubs a few years ago, and things with them are still really tense. I wish I could run away with you, but I just, I—”

“You have a duty to your people. I understand.” Alfred wouldn’t be Alfred if he could selfishly throw away his duty without caring about the consequences for ordinary citizens, and Lorenzo wouldn’t care about him half as much if he did. But Alfred’s self-sacrificial idealism, one of the many reasons Lorenzo fell for him in the first place, is the reason they can’t be together.

Alfred ran a hand up and down Lorenzo’s back like he was trying to comfort himself. “Spades needs a hero, and for some reason the clock decided it should be me. I just wish I could be your hero too.”

Lorenzo snorted and moved his head so that Alfred could see him rolling his eyes dismissively. “I’m not some damsel in distress who needs a _hero_ to come save them from a dragon. I can handle my own shit just fine.”

“It’s not fair that you have to,” Alfred argued. “It’s not fair that we have to hide this like it’s some horrible, shameful secret. I know that must make you feel like crap.”

Honestly, the forced secrecy _did_ often make Lorenzo feel like crap. Every time he left a secret rendezvous with Alfred, Lorenzo always had to make sure he’d left no trace behind, like he didn’t even exist. He was a ghostly shadow in the corner of Alfred’s life while Arthur got to stand in the sun.

But it wasn’t Alfred’s fault, and judging by the miserable, guilty look on his face, the forced secrecy hurt him too.

Lorenzo smiled up at him weakly. “I knew exactly what I was getting into when this started, caro. And I didn’t change my mind, even after Feli figured out what was going on and thought I was crazy for carrying on an affair with an engaged man.”

“Mattie thought I was nuts too, but I guess he was a little more sympathetic since he knows I’m stuck with Arthur no matter what. I could either be alone forever or try to be with someone outside my arranged marriage. You have other choices, better choices.”

Lorenzo shook his head. “Not anymore. I love you, and I don’t want to be with anyone else, no matter how hard it gets.”

“I love you too. I wish I didn’t have to be with anyone else, even if it is only a show we put on for the public.”

Lorenzo shifted up to press a quick kiss to Alfred’s cheek. “I know. I’ll try not to get my heart broken too badly tomorrow.” He knew he probably wouldn’t succeed, but he didn’t need to tell Alfred that. Alfred already had too much guilt and responsibility on his shoulders.

Alfred absentmindedly ran his fingers through Lorenzo’s curls. “If it helps, my heart will be breaking too. I’ll have to act happy in front of everybody, but inside, I’ll feel sick to my stomach.”

Lorenzo wasn’t sure if that helped or not. “I guess the only ones who won’t be fooled will be you, me, Matthew, and Feliciano,” he mused.

“And Arthur. Arthur knows.”

“He… he knows? About us, or—”

Alfred nodded, cutting off Lorenzo’s aborted attempt at a question. “He knows. All of it. Apparently, the way I look at you, even in the middle of an official diplomatic meeting, is ‘too bloody obvious,’ according to him.”

Lorenzo smiled a little. He felt flattered that Alfred had been staring at him longingly during the meetings, even if that was a ridiculous thing to feel in this situation.

“You’re such a dumbass sometimes, Fredo,” he muttered.

“Your dumbass,” Alfred replied sweetly.

Lorenzo rolled his eyes, but it took him a full minute to wipe that residual smile off his face. “How did he take it?” Normally, someone whose fiancé cheated on them would feel enraged and betrayed. But this wasn’t a normal situation. Alfred had described Arthur as being like an older brother to him.

Alfred shrugged. “Honestly? He didn’t really care, other than wanting to make sure we’d be discreet enough to avoid a huge public scandal. Which isn’t something I’d want to have happen either, so we’re on the same page as far as that goes. And while he was lecturing me to be more careful, he kind of implied that he’s also having an affair, or at least planning to.”

“Cristo, that’s fucked up. I mean, it’s good that he isn’t plotting bloody revenge against us, but it’s weird that some part of him doesn’t want to. Especially since he’s going to marry you tomorrow.”

Alfred had an uncomfortable frown on his face. “Yeah, I get what you’re saying. That’s not how a marriage should be. You and me should be the ones getting married, not me and him.”

Lorenzo blinked rapidly to keep himself from crying. How many times could he cry in one day because of this goddamn idiota? He would be a complete wreck tomorrow during the ceremony, but he’d have to hold himself together somehow.

Alfred pressed a soothing kiss to his temple. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make things harder for you. Lately, it seems like that’s all I do.”

“It’s not your fault, tesoro. Fate must really have it out for us, I think.”

“Maybe. Or maybe that clock that picked me to be king is really, really broken. But at least I got to meet you, and I’ll always be grateful for that.”

Lorenzo raised an eyebrow skeptically. “You really know how to put a positive spin on things, don’t you?” It was true that if Alfred hadn’t been selected as king, Lorenzo would have probably never met him. Without Alfred, Lorenzo wouldn’t have known the misery of being in love with someone he could never fully have, but he also wouldn’t have known the exhilaration of being in love at all. His life would have been simpler, but it would have been emptier and less meaningful without Alfred. Despite the pain, Lorenzo was glad he had gotten to meet Alfred too.

“Speaking of clocks, how much more time do we have?” Lorenzo wondered aloud.

“Not enough. Artie should be finishing up his tea by now, even if he ran into Kiku and they decided to have tea together.”

“So I guess we’ll have to say goodbye soon.”

“I think we’ve got time for a goodbye kiss, don’t you? There’s no one around, I checked.”

For his own peace of mind, Lorenzo glanced around quickly before nodding his consent. He trusted Alfred, but he hadn’t actually seen him look anywhere but directly at him ever since he took a seat next to him on the bench.

Alfred leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was tender, delicate, and poignant. It wasn’t the passionate sort of kiss that pressed for further intimacy, but there was desire and a silent declaration that would linger in Lorenzo’s memory for a long, long time. _You’re the only one I want. This isn’t the end of us._

Alfred only pulled away after quite a while, but Lorenzo was left wanting more regardless. He unconsciously licked his tingling lips with the tip of his tongue, chasing whatever remnants of Alfred he could get.

Alfred’s face was flushed as he stood up to smooth the wrinkles out of his overcoat. He’d have to find a way to get rid of that by the time he returned, as well as to get rid of the dopey, Lorenzo-induced gleam in his eyes.

After he’d finished fixing his overcoat as best he could, Alfred squeezed Lorenzo hands within his own. “I love you, okay? What has to happen tomorrow won’t change that.”

Lorenzo nodded solemnly. “Ti amo anch’io. I’ll see you when I see you.” He knew he most likely wouldn’t get another chance to speak with him before the coronation and wedding ceremonies, and he didn’t know that he would get a chance to speak with Alfred _soon_. Lorenzo wouldn’t make a promise he couldn’t keep, and he wouldn’t hold Alfred to a false promise either.

Alfred didn’t say goodbye as he slipped his hands away and stuffed them in his pockets. He gave Lorenzo a tremulous smile before he turned around and headed back towards the castle, shoulders slumped in a sign of disappointment Lorenzo had seen too many times already. Lorenzo wanted to run after him, beg him to abdicate his throne to go live in some tiny cottage in the middle of nowhere, but he couldn’t because that would be selfish and would make him look even more pathetic than he already was. So he remained on that bench staring at Alfred’s back until the path curved through a thicket of trees and concealed him behind leaves and branches.

Once Alfred was gone from his sight, Lorenzo’s hands felt cold, like someone hadn’t been squeezing them firmly a mere moment ago. Tears began to silently fall down his face, and Lorenzo didn’t bother to wipe them away. Today, he’d ruined himself for Alfred, and he knew he’d go on to ruin himself a million more times, just for those brief snatches of happiness he could only experience in Alfred’s presence. He didn’t allow himself to weep loudly enough to attract attention, but he allowed himself to weep and to grieve his own foolishness.

After about an hour, Lorenzo was tired and physically incapable of crying anymore. He cleaned himself up with a handkerchief to a serviceable level, and he trudged back down the same path Alfred had taken earlier towards the castle. Hopefully, he’d at least have time for a nap before he had to change into the fancier uniform he’d brought for the celebratory dinner.


End file.
